he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
