i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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