I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
