Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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