I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
