you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
