Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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