No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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