In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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