my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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