I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
