Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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