nut hugger
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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