youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
