Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
