he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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