i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
