I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
