My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
