Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
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Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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