my phone needs a breathalizer
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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