My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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