I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
