how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I supernannyed him into submission
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
