I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
40s are totally the cure
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
