You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
