I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
