between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
