his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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