Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize