Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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