Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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