she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
