well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
