You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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