my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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