Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
