what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
