So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
