I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
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So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think my cat just said my name.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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