..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize