and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
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i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
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I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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