I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
