If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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