he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
