Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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