i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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