Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
worst night to have a conscience
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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