youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
