my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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