come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
