My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
