I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
