what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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