I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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