i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
