i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize